I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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