My sheets look like a crime scene.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
