I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
