i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
