Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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