I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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