Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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