I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So drunk its hurt
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
