Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
