i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
