O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
