Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
