took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
