so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
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I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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