when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
