So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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