I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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