My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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