I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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