Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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