I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
