So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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