i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
