I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
