i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
