if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
