Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
