I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
