he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize