he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
