worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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