when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
