The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
