I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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