i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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