I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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