The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
