I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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