First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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