You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
