so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
