I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
