I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
