The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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