Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
