Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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