It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
