Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Watching her eat just hurts me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
