Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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