omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
