Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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