It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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