I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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