Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
a search helicopter?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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