All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We talked him into tasing himself.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
