I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
