If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
