i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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