my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
