Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
