this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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