How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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