The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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