nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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