Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
