I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
