Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
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Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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