I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
