he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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